This morning the USHJA Rules Committee has made a change to their rules, requiring that all riders be required to wear monograms on their uniform while inside of the ring. (REV.12.5.56)
Effective immediately, riders without at least one visible monogram on their uniform will be judged as a fault, eliminated from the class, banned from riding for life, and may even face criminal prosecution punishable by 10-15 years in prison. There will be zero tolerance.
The UHSJA has patented a new machine called the “AgroCrag“, a machine that shoots a laser beam (similar to a bar code reader) from a satellite that is invisible to the eye and will detect monograms on the rider. The machine is so advanced that it can identify a monogram to a rider. The AgroCrag is considered classified by federal agencies and only leaked photos exist of this mechanical masterpiece.
[quote_center]”This new wave of style is not only a trend, but it is for the safety and protection of the riders involved, and to the community as well” – Jim Lahey, Sunnyvale Law Supervisor[/quote_center]
Since there are many unfair advantages given to certain riders involving their luxurious riding attire, many riders are borrowing and sometimes stealing the tack and uniform accessories from other riders, giving an unfair advantage to that rider.
Lucy DeCoutere tells our reporters that earlier last year she showed up to her much-anticipated class that she had been waiting for months to ride in. Upon further inspection, she had realized that someone had broken into her tack trunk and stole her Fabbri Tall Boots. Lucy was forced to show in her paddock boots and half chaps, which resulted in a nerve-wrecking and terrifying riding experience. She was faulted and left the show absolutely disappointed. If Lucy had monogrammed her boots, she would have caught the thief, won the class, and lived a life of luxury, superstardom, and spent a lifetime of being lavished with fine materialistic items.
“We could’ve caught the thieves and I would’ve had my chance at superstardom If I only would’ve had monograms on my tall boots. I will never make this mistake again. It has been almost 6 months, and I am still seeing therapists. The UHSJA needs to do something about this.” Lucy tells Equestrian Empire reporters.
So why did the UHSJA create this rule?
1. To protect an unfair advantage
The UHSJA is fed up with riders who are using other people’s equipment and accessories to gain unfair advantages. This is a sport, this is not unicef. Do you think Kobe Bryant would ask Lebron James to use his headband for a few minutes during the 4th quarter? I don’t think so. Lebron’s headband is what spinach is to Popeye; you take that way from him, he is helpless on the court. Should Lebron allow Kobe to use his headband, Kobe would be dunking on him all night and the sheer embarrassment could ultimately force Lebron James into retirement. Point proven. With monograms, you can label your gear and that way the judges know and can prove that you are who you say you are. It is kind of like a Drivers License for equipment.
2. To help identity-loss disorder
Due to GMOs and other unnatural ingredients in US food and water supply, the FDA has released a study that many young teens are not just forgetting their homework, but forgetting who they are as a person. Loss of identity. In 2014 there has been a sweeping epidemic of young teenagers who have forgotten who they are completely. With a monogram on your show gloves, the rider and can look down, see their monogrammed initials on their gloves, and instantly remember who they are. This is essential in battling the GMOs. There is nothing worse than not only forgetting the course, but forgetting who you are completely. It has been reported that 90% of identity-loss disorder patients can be cured using monograms.
3. To establish a representation of yourself
If you’re riding around the ring in a show helmet without a monogram, you are symbolizing that you do not represent anything. If you are wearing a monogram on your helmet, you are letting the world know that you are strong, independent, and that you believe in yourself. The monogram is your representation of yourself and you should not be afraid to represent yourself. You are one of a kind, and you need one of a kind representation. If you don’t believe in yourself, who else will?
4. To stop theft
So you left your boots in your tack trunk at the barn. Someone gets sticky fingers and steal your boots, thinking that they now have it made. However, you were smart enough to monogram your boots with a black monogram so that it can hardly be seen. You catch the criminal, press charges, send them to jail, you win all of your classes, become a superstar, and anyone daring to commit the same actions will endure a similar fate. Upon arriving back to the barn, your friends will worship your every move. #winning
5. To save lives
Believe it or not, having a prepped-out monogram on your gear can actually save your life. Take it from Ricky and Julian, both young riders who have had a brush in with death, but were saved by their monograms. In late 2013, the pair were involved in a dual-freak collision which left both of them stranded and severely injured. Thinking that their death was imminent, they locked eyes from their position in the dirt and blacked out. At the ER, the doctor had examined Ricky and Julian and had said that if it wasn’t for the monograms on their helmets that the fall would have killed them both. Rick and Julian still ride to this day thanks to their monogrammed helmets.
6. To establish class
There is nothing more classless than something dull and blank. If people loved things that were dull and blank, then everyone would be driving a 1993 Ford Taurus, but this is not the case. Style and class are assimilate in a sense of looks and branding. If you want to be fashionable, you have to be classy. Nothing says class like a personalization. You won’t see Mariah Carey at the VMA’s wearing a dress she just bought at Walmart. Why is that? Because Mariah Carey is a classy woman, and she only wears things that are personalized and custom to her look. Which is classier: a black Bentley you just bought at the dealership, or a Custom Bentley with your initials customized into the seats? Exactly. Style and class is about customization and personalization. If you want to just be boring a dull, get into juggling.
The UHSJA has made a decision that could impact people’s lives in only a positive light. If only the US government would be so kind as to outlaw anything unfashionable, no one would be single, and the world would exist in peace. All wars and tyranny would end. The UHSJA is protecting your safety, your life, your gear, your career, and more importantly your style. Making monograms mandatory is something all riders will favor, and will hopefully be implemented through other federations and sports associations alike.
“If you weren’t rocking monograms already, you’re pretty much out of the loop.”
RANDY – UHSJA
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